You ever have so much to say you just say nothing instead? It’s the same reaction I have when I have a list of things that need to get done ASAP but the list overwhelms me and I just sit on my couch doing nothing instead. I feel like my well of words has a clog in it somewhere and the only thing that’s leaking out is stuff about the stress in our life right now and nobody wants to read about that every single day. I sit down every morning with the intention of writing something here and I have all these thoughts but the words won’t go from my brain to this text box.
I’m in a weird place right now. I’m happy yet unhappy. I’m complacent but worried. There are so many different things factoring into how I feel that I feel eight different ways at any given moment.
All I can do is live day to day at this point. Take each day for what it’s worth and revel in the little victories or the small bursts of laughter, the moments where we forget everything else going on and act as if our lives are normal right now. That’s what gets me through. That I can still enjoy and laugh and do mundane things like watch a hockey game and make jokes on twitter when we’ve got all this other shit going on. You have to appreciate those moments. You have to have them. Or you go insane. And I don’t quite fancy going insane at this juncture.
Things are going to change. Things will get better. And with those changes will come more stress and more decisions but they will all be part of moving things in the right direction.
I just want the change to happen now. I’m tired of waiting.
It was just about a year ago when things started to fall apart. I’m ready for them to come back together.
Meanwhile, I keep smiling, keep laughing, keep my head intact.
We’ve come to the realization that no matter where Todd lands job-wise, it’s not going to be in New York. This is jus the way it’s working out. Maybe it will be Florida. Or Pennsylvania. Or California. But it’s going to be anywhere but here.
There’s a lot of good things about this, but there’s a lot of stress, too. Todd woke me up last night at about 2am. He couldn’t sleep because he was worried. What if he gets this California job? He’ll be there without me for a bit while I get things settled over here. A bit can mean as much as six months. With Lisa moving out from her part of the house in July and my daughter moving out today, that leaves just me and my son in the house if Todd goes. Todd worries about that. He worries about us being apart.
And I worry about him. I worry about him being alone because I know he won’t take care of himself. He won’t cook for himself. He may forget to eat for days at a time. He won’t sleep right. I won’t be there to do for him or take care of him and yes, he’s a grown man and can take care of himself but we work best as a team. We’re partners. And either one of us without the other is worrisome for both of us. And really, just the time apart. The being alone. The empty bed. The empty space in the house. The lack of having my best friend around.
And what do we do when Lisa leaves? Do we rent the upstairs or do we sell the house in anticipation of my moving to wherever Todd is? So many things to think about.
This is going to be hard. It hasn’t even happened yet and we’re stressing about it already.
Every time I think about him leaving to take a job in another state, my heart drops and I get a heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach. Can I do six months without him? I can. Do I want to? No. Will I have to? Most likely.
So this is where we are at right now. Neither of us are sleeping much. I toss and turn all night or stare at the ceiling, he stays up and thinks too much.
We will celebrate when he gets a job because, yay job (and that lack of celebrating thus far is another big stress, the Florida shenanigans notwithstanding). But it’s going to come with a steep price, at least at first. And I know we’re not the first couple to do this. Doesn’t make it any easier.
Just a glimpse into our lives at the moment.
What do angels poop?
(wait for it)
This is my fourth day in a row off and I’ve put off everything I needed to accomplish in those days so I have to do them all today, instead of having them done and being able to relax today. Some of these things will only take five minutes to do, just phone calls I need to make, so why did I procrastinate? Oh, because I’m a world class procrastinator, that’s why. Notice I’m still not doing any of those things I need to do, no I’m writing on tumblr and reading twitter. It’s early yet thought. I’m bringing my car in today for an inspection and I know it will need work to pass inspection so yea, totally dreading that phone call from the mechanic later today. I’m hoping today brings some good news for us. Something’s gotta give. Something. Anything. I almost see a light at the end of the tunnel but it’s muted and small. I need for that light to grow. I just want to have this weight in the pit of my stomach gone. I’d like to stop stress eating, too. Well, happy Monday. Here’s to getting things done and moving things along.