in the fade

  1. this year.

    A few years ago I wrote a long post about the fear of doing. I had this idea in my head that I would one day quit my civil service job, get a part time job doing something less stressful and spend the rest of my time making money by writing. Which is the only thing I ever wanted to do my entire life: be a professional writer.

    I had too much fear back then. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear of what would happen if I left my job. Fear of moving forward.

    I went back and read that post last night and was astounded at how much of that fear I’ve lost, how many of the excuses to not move forward I no longer use as reasons to stay where I am. 

    I’m making my way as a writer. I’ve got good things going on and many more irons in the fire, as they say. And I’m getting ever closer to that point where I may be able to take a leave of absence from my job. 

    That thought, instead of frightening me or making me anxious, makes me happy. I am not afraid to change things. I am not afraid to take on this challenge. And for the first time in my life, I really believe in myself. I believe I can do this. 

    It helps to have someone behind me, someone who not only encourages me and supports me and is my emotional safety net, but is willing to be a financial safety net as well. Because we are partners and we have a “what’s mine is ours, what’s yours is ours” way of operating in our relationship, the decision will be a bit easier than if I were going it alone. It’s also a hell of a lot less scary to make a leap like this when someone is holding your hand. 

    I’m not quite ready yet. But I think before 2013 is out, it will happen. That’s my goal. Before this year is out, I’m going to realize a good portion of the dreams I have for myself. The rest will be written as I go along. 

    This is going to be a year of moving forward, but also a year of leaving things behind. Mostly, the fear and the stagnation. They are things of the past. 

    Yes, I’m a little bit scared to do this. Who wouldn’t be? But I’m eager and willing and I have no excuses left as to why I shouldn’t. The last excuse was “What if I’m not a good enough writer to do this?” and I finally have the confidence to realize I am. I am good enough.

    I think the key was when I figured out that waiting for something good to happen to me was an easy way of making sure nothing good happened to me (writing wise). Fortune and opportunity were not going to come find me. I had to go find them. So I did. 

    I am excited. It’s gonna be a good year. My year. Finally.